Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
