Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
