how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This is my gift to your gina
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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