So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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