I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
