bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
