i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i drank out of a bidet.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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