Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
