People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
