We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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