Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
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I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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