YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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