weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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