thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What drink are we having for lunch?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
