Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
