Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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