Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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