Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
