Your mouth is God's brothel.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
