So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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