I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Still dying that you shit outside
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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