ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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