I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Found the puke drawer
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
