That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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