my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
