made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
