The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
