Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
