i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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