I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
