I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am spending my child support on dildos
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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