in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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