We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
