i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
