I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize