Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I need to stop coming to work sober
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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