I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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