I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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