haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
