So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
