We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dick very happy bro
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
