this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
