Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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