i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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