I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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