I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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