Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
