The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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