I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
