Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
