TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
