hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
