even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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