The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
