Your mouth is God's brothel.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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