the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
