I am puke
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
