foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
