GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
