i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
