it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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