WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
