So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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