seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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