I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
