You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
