Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
